just me.....

I liked to change some things in my life, but instead they changed me. I thought I was well informed, but I realized I was too naïve. I may be a mind reader , unaware of my own thoughts…..They blink they vanish, as if some sort of memory game being played…then again I realize I am someone different , one that I never knew….…their interests don’t match mine…things that excite them are too petty for me… I don’t know what I am looking for; there are no words for that on my mind…..

I have been remarked “5-50” meaning a child of five and thoughts of fifty year old, but does age define feelings? Does mind know how old it really is? Who stereotyped age and feelings pattern? Why do people bind themselves and compare everyone on that scale? And isn’t it good that I realized it fast? Well these questions are too complex, critics may find it useful to categorize me as “miserable” but they don’t know what I am talking about….they will never know….probably in their fifties……..but thoughts have no age, they are not bound. What they term as rise in level of maturity may just be a tide of thoughts……..

Life may be lived and then one can realize what it was, also one can think what life is and then live to discover how true/false their prophecies turned out. Its fun this way for me, it may not be for you and I don’t force you to think my way and expect the same from you. I am being very harsh I suppose but nothing comes between me and my writings, they may not be true, may be fictitious, rubbish and so on ….but they are mine ……too personal …..Too dear to me ……one may term me as 50, 60 and ……but I don’t care..….Cause age has nothing to do with thoughts…….

We have seen God only through the painter’s brush. Even if we do meet him (god), we might never recognize, but has anyone questioned the artist why is he making all those when he has never seen god?? We don’t tell him to stop making those, and ask him to make those after he dies (and that too if he is lucky enough to see god, if he exists!) we just allow his imagination to wander……never questioning him ….similarly everything needn’t happen to you to pen it ……it just occurs …touches …and leaves……

And I don’t believe in binding what comes to me , it may be “sad” , “childish”, “mature” and so on …..i don’t know , and I don’t care ….i don’t need to live a kind of life to understand it …….this way I live hundreds of lives , feeling each emotion ……probably my futile attempt to become immortal…..but this is what I am , and this is what I feel……..

The Ghost??!!!!!

Summer meant fun , it meant no school , no homework, just pure fun ! As it is quiet clear from previous post, it was time for travel, reunion with cousins and ahhh ..fun again! :D

Most of my cousins were stationed at Bhilai , it was like a second home , a place where numerous people exclaimed “ oh ! nuvve jaya chinna kuturu aa?” (“oh ! are you jaya’s youngest daughter?” ) , while it took me some time to get accustomed and bade away my shyness; having so many people at the same place was so much of …fun! This anecdote particularly describes one incident on such visits, which left me to believe in what I see, hear and feel!

So it was about 7:30 in the evening, all the children (about 7-8) were at my mausi’s where as the elders were having their “talks” at my mama’s which was 5 min walk away .It surely was a huge house, but the thing I liked about it was the swing and yes the huge jars of achar (pickles) and ladoos kept within my reach :D . We all used to sneak into the kitchen whenever possible, to lick huge quantities of those ( ahh .. my mouth still waters even on the thought of that delicious mango pickle! )

At these times, when there is no interference from the elders, children explore their imagination and speak their mind out. So we all gathered in one of the bedrooms on the ground floor and started discussing the most fascinating topic ever ….GHOSTS!

We all sat in a circle, which shrank as the stories grew more frightening and scary. Some told stories about headless man (probably a movie gimmick), some about some haunted houses and so on ……… suddenly neelu cleared her voice; our attention shifted to her as she was the best story teller , knowing where to pause, broaden her huge eyes and modulate her voice to give the best of ghost experience!!! :P

“ all the stories you people have told are not scary at all”

We all stared her down and I was terrified as to what she would tell! would I get any sleep that night ? or would I live in that fear through out my life?

“let me tell you a REAL story”

The word REAL had its desired effect , there was pin drop silence only noise of the insects could be heard ………

She started off with her story about the ghost of a lady (traditionally dressed in white hehehhe) she made us imagine each of her feature each of her movement….how she would kill and haunt people in the middle of the night ……. As I wondered why ghosts chose white colour and roamed at the middle of the night, she started imitating the sound of her( the ghost’s) ghungroos ,

“chan…chan…chan…” she said

And a faint sound of the same followed……

“chan …..chan …chan “ she would say and ,

And a real “chan ….chan…chan” would follow!

all of us froze at our places and tried hard not to hear the sound. To our horror , it grew louder , more deliberate and sharper !

neelu tried to continue the story , but.......... suddenly we saw a hand coming through the bedroom window…. We were too paralyzed to even scream…. I had surrendered my life to that ghost and thought that this was the end …end of everything …

The hand opened the window and a voice interrupted the silence..........

“all of you , don’t you feel hungry? Jaldi come to bhanu atta’s ( mami’s) dinner is ready!”

we screamed at last , and even mami got a fright , who had come to call us!

What a relief !!!! we all ran as fast as we could ,the whole thing had really left us too hungry and i was too happy to get my life back ......... ……

But sometimes I still think about that day…….…and I am forced to think………was it just pure coincidence?? ;)